.hi, my name is maria and i am a psycho.

"what's wrong babe?"  nick asked me, as he could see me getting upset.  "i can't control my emotions!!"  i screeched, with tears now streaming down my face.


we had just made it into the car, and i could barely hold it together on the way there.  i tried deep breathing, looking up, telling myself to knock it off - you are in public, and even the old 'yawn to make it look like you aren't upset' trick.


you must be thinking - oh my gosh, what happened?!  and the answer is, nothing really.  we had been in town to look for some nursing bras for me, and after trying on 6, with none left to try, i was empty handed and pissed.  i almost cried, but kept it in.  i was actually more discouraged than pissed, it felt like i would never find a nursing bra that was comfortable, let alone FIT me.  i still haven't, and i am still discouraged.


after the bra fiasco, we stopped at the bank - a bank that i am trying to get an account with, since i don't have one in the UK yet.  they had already turned me down once after trying to get on nick's account, so i sent in another application to get my own.  they sent that back to me, saying that i had missed one of the questions on the form, so i needed to fill out a new one and send it in AGAIN.  why they couldn't just call me to ask me the one question that i missed, i will never know.  so, we went in to get yet another packet of paperwork.  we go to the teller's window and ask for the paperwork for a new account, and she asks "what kind of account?"  we reply, "a new checking account".  she responds,  "what kind of checking account?"  really, lady?!


this ridiculous q&a session went on for about another 5 minutes, and i was boiling.  she goes to get us some paperwork finally - i just wanted out at that point.


so, we head back to the car, and i can feel myself getting upset again, and this time i didn't know if i had the strength to keep it in.


i didn't.


so - what is the point of this long-winded story?  well, i will tell you.  pregnant equals crazy.  it is so hard to handle your emotions, and sometimes it's worse than others. thankfully, i have someone like nick, who just smiles and says "it's ok baby, i don't mind if you cry - even if you think it's for no reason at all.  there is a reason, and it's called pregnancy."  and then he holds my hand.  


is he great, or what?!  i am a lucky lady - like, the luckiest.  i want to take this moment to say thank you to him for putting up with my psychotic melt downs, tears, and irrational responses to things like him calling our child "our kid".  that actually happened, and i kinda freaked, saying "don't call our baby a kid!!"  and what did i do not even a few days later?  called our baby a kid.  what a bitch.  


thank you nick.  i love you, and am so grateful for your patience and unconditional love.


xx

.start at the beginning.

well, this story begins on may 14th, 2010 - i call it the pee heard 'round the world.


nick was away on tour (he is a musician) in europe.  i had just been away working in austin, tx on a photography tv show, and had been feeling kinda crappy (and fat).  i also had been suffering from my new friend, narcolepsy.  i could sleep anytime, anywhere - it was completely crazy.  my period didn't seem late, but i was never "regular" anyway, so i thought nothing of it.  my boobs were hurting, and when i say hurting, i mean HURTING! so, i guess it was safe to say that when my girlfriend sarah told me about 10 times to take a test, she was right.


luckily, i had a spare test sitting around the house (as all of us responsible twenty-somethings do...) sarah was over, so i got up from my mid-day nap (surprise, surprise) and did an unannounced sneak test.  i opened it, peed on the stick, and put it down to wait my 2:30 out.  it was the longest 10 seconds of my life - wait, did i say 10 seconds?  why, yes, i did - because when i happened to glance down at the test, the answer was already there - SCREAMING the obvious.


PREGNANT.


i felt a woosh over my entire body.  i was literally so pregnant that not even the pregnancy test had to take a third of it's normal time to figure it out.  i was feeling a little faint, and started to breathe.  hard.


by this time, i had been in the bathroom for a little longer than normal, and i hear sarah say "well......?"  i come out of the bathroom - in shock - and start crying, test in hand. not a cry of shame or sadness, more a cry of disbelief and reality.  i was so desperate for nick to be there, but he was 6,000 miles away AND gone for another few weeks.


i cried for a couple of minutes, and with each minute, the shock melted away, and the happy set in.  we celebrated that night by visiting some food trucks in the area.  it was really fun having a little secret, and sometimes blurting out - "i found out i was pregnant today!!" to strangers.  i still needed to tell nick, but the time difference wouldn't allow me to speak to him until later.


i wanted to tell him face to face, so i decided to skype him.  i wanted to see his reaction, and feel like i was there with him.  i had to wait until after 1am, which was excruciating.  finally, i saw his face, and in my semi-shaky voice said "babe, i'm pregnant" this is what his reaction looked like:

i was ready with the screenshot setup, so that i could have the exact second forever.  of course, i started crying, and so did he.  the only way it could have been better, would be if he was in the same room.


xx